It has taken many years to get to this point, but I can honestly say I love who I am. These words are not often used when I talk about myself but they are some of the most powerful words to exit my mouth.
When I was younger, I would talk about myself in a superficial way. I would say I love my long, blonde hair. I loved my naturally olive skin that always had a healthy glow. I could add how I loved my blue eyes, especially with a little makeup on as the colour turned electric blue. However, as a teenager or young adult, if I took a look under the surface, I was never able to say I love who I am.
On the outside I was happy and confident but inside the hatred lingered. I didn’t deserve to be loved deeply by anyone special. I didn’t deserve to have friends who cared for me, protecting me from the world. I didn’t deserve to be given opportunities that gave me that ‘someone special’ quality.
If I look back to determine what it was that caused my dislike for myself, it was that I was am a people pleaser, desperate to keep everyone happy that in the end, I pleased no one. Instead of taking sides, or standing my ground or disagreeing with others, I constantly conformed. I often ended up on the wrong side of right. I was trying to be someone I could never be happy with and the only one to suffer from this was me.
- I was a bossy child who thought her way was the best for everyone to be happy.
- I was a middle child who couldn’t get enough love and attention from her mother.
- I felt rejected by my friends if I thought I was being left out.
- I took everything personally and often jumped to conclusions before I knew the real story.
- I thought everyone saw me as a confident, popular girl so I behaved accordingly.
All these mixed emotions racing through my head, add the out of control teenage hormones, an eating disorder and a little depression and no wonder I could never say ‘I love who I am’. Many years were wasted deep in hatred for someone I now love unconditionally.
Today I can say these words and I can say them proudly.
I deserve to be loved by someone special as I am special.
I deserve to have friends who look out for me, protect me and be there to back me up.
I deserve to be given opportunities in life as I am a good person who works hard for every opportunity.
I have learnt that getting your own way all the time leads to a lonely life.
Motherhood has taught me the love I receive from my mother is more than enough to nourish me.
I accept that I cannot always be a part of what my friends and family are doing, but I am secure in the knowledge they still love me.
I no longer take life personally as I believe there is always a reason and if the people I surround myself with care for me, then I will always accept the reason.
I now know I am confident and popular but only because I believe in myself and ‘I love who I am’.
Can you say the same for yourself?